Every year, for the two weeks between Halloween and my birthday, I profoundly feel the November blues. It feels a bit different every year, but typically it’s the feeling of time running like sand through my fingers, pressure from figuring out what it is that I have learned this year, and what I plan to do next year. Perhaps writing articles contributes to feeling this pressure 🙂
Interestingly, this year may be the first year I’m not really feeling the blues. I think it’s because I’ve never felt this busy before — between an insane workload and a young family, I feel like I’m stretched to my new maximum, which doesn’t really leave me room to mope around. I think I actually prefer that.
I don’t really feel like I have any spare time for writing, but figured I don’t want to break the annual tradition. Not sure I particularly have some game-changing lessons to share, so I’ll just share two events that I took note of. I guess the unifying thread through both is the theme of relationships.
The first relationship is with my father. Three years ago, I wrote about my healing journey of rebuilding relationship with my father, and for the first time (!) since I moved to Canada 20 years ago, he visited me!
Processing seeing my father in my home for the first time in 20 years was next level! The plan now is to welcome him on an annual basis going forward. Even then, I still wanted to maximize our time together and dig deeper to catch up on years missed and just to connect on a deeper level than just talking about the banalities of daily life. I found these five questions online:
When was the moment you felt the most proud to be my dad?
If you could give one piece of advice as a parent what would it be?
How did you feel when you found out my mother was pregnant with me?
If you could relive one day with me, which one would you choose and why?
What is one thing you’ve always wanted to tell me, but never did?
I loved where these questions took our conversation and used them with my mother the following week too. If you’re fortunate enough to have a parent in your life, consider copying these questions!
The second relationship is with a… horse. Last year, I gifted my wife a few horseback riding lessons. Both kids instantly wanted to try too, and suddenly all three of them were riding weekly. At first, I resisted because I’ve had a fear of horses all my life, but after a couple of months of watching from the sidelines, I decided to try too. Very quickly, I found myself riding on a horse's back and felt in control. All was going smoothly and I had lots of fun, until I had back-to-back riding days when the horse resisted and didn’t listen to me. That made me really question what it is that I’m doing to this poor horse and whether she’s actually enjoying this time with me. I love animals, and my conclusion was that it’s best if I stop altogether.
Since my family continued going to the farm weekly, in a matter of weeks I found myself at the farm again. There, I was introduced to a new teacher who practices natural horsemanship, which is rooted in strategies of positive reinforcement and empathy, not force. The starting point for me was going all the way back to the basics and doing groundwork first — not even getting on the horse but rather building trust while on the ground.
The horse I was with was unlike any other on the farm. In her past life, she was a working horse and was mistreated for years. I was told that no one had ridden this horse in the two years since she arrived at the farm. The first day I went to get the horse in the field, she was not happy to see me — or so I was told by the teacher. Not only was the horse scared of me, she was enormous and could’ve crushed me if she wanted. I was terrified but calmly followed instructions and soon was able to approach the horse. Looking back, being oblivious to the signs of aggression from the horse benefited me because I didn’t react, stayed calm, showed the horse I held my ground, and had no interest in hurting her.
Over the coming weeks, with more time spent together, the horse warmed up to me. She now lowers her head, yawns, doesn’t show her teeth, and doesn’t shiver when I brush her. When I come to the farm now, we walk together and I feel like I’ve formed a unique friendship I’ve never had before in my life — with a giant horse.